Relationship tip 104

If you’ve gone through my Facebook profile you’ll know that I use to be a relationship councilor,Ehen,I went on leave but now I’m back to give you a relationship advice that I know you need.

But first,a quick background update. Technically,by tomorrow,1st December 2022,I become a graduate. Yay 👏👏🎉🎉🥳. I’m grateful to God, cause frankly it’s not been an easy journey and having admission in the first place, on time, was one of my early life miracles. I told God I didn’t want to write Jamb more than once for admission and he honored that request and despite/in spite many hills and storms, I’ve come out stronger and better.

If you noticed,I used the word TECHNICALLY because,well,we never quite finish yet,I’ll still have some spill over courses,but every other thing na Jara and maybe the angel in charge of my life really misunderstood this my love for Jara in everything cause I didn’t mean it,didn’t need it academically,but that’s a story/problem for another day. So, join me in Thanking God cause this baby is a graduate💃💃💃💃 and if you didn’t get an invite to my Thanksgiving party,kpele oo?! We’re keeping it really small.

Back to my advice,Yes,

I think one important thing people in relationships need to learn is how to identify when it’s the anger talking during fights or arguments with your spouse or friend or anybody you have a relationship with.

Try not to vilify anger. People make it look like when you get angry over things they consider “minute” you’re insensitive or a witch.

They say things like “who you are when you’re angry is the real you” and I think that is very unfair and incorrect.

Yes,out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh,but anger is anger and you’re just quoting the bible out of context.

People get angry over different reasons, sometimes the anger spans out from somewhere,maybe from tiredness or past hurt or just pent up energy that needs to be released.

When anger is talking,it says the meanest thing.The intent of anger is to pour out heat,fuel,fire,the intent of anger is to wreck. If you know your partner,and can afford to,don’t add fuel to it or take what is being said personal. Learn to know when it’s the anger speaking.

For example,

I was at home one time,my mom called,asked me to wash her bedsheets,and due to one or two I did not. She came home, started shouting,that I’m SO insensitive,that every day she goes out to hustle for the family,where she’s just returning from- she went to hustle for the family,yet the little assistance she required from me, the little help she needed,I couldn’t come through. Next thing,she’s like “Don’t worry,you’ll need my help one day and I won’t come through for you,Don’t worry”

Ahhh!!! On top bedsheets??

After everything we’ve shared, everything I’ve done, everything we’ve gone through and experienced as mother and child,as a family,It’s on top of bedsheets that I’ll probably wash for you tomorrow or next that you want to deny me help on top??

I was very much tempted to answer/talk back.

But the spirit of discernment came upon me and I realized it was anger speaking.That wasn’t my mom. I know my mom will always be there for me whether I wash her sheets or not but the anger she felt,the disappointment,the hurt,the frustration she felt needed to be released,she needed to vent and in venting, words needed to be said.

The key reason why I was able to separate my mom from the anger is because I KNOW HER.

If you don’t know someone well enough or you’re still trying to get to know them,it can be hard/confusing to discern if it’s the anger talking or the person, concerning this,I don’t have any tips for you,that’s why you should be single, wetin I wan advise you now??

But because I love you,one thing that I’ve learnt and still continue to practice is: Reminding my love ones that I would never do or say anything INTENTIONALLY to hurt them, anything I say or do that hurts you,tell me, we’ll talk it out and try to understand ourselves and the situation better.

Even when you know a person,not taking in or personalizing what they say in anger still proves difficult

Now the thing is,If you can,maintain your cool, keep quiet and don’t listen to anything being said,cause if you listen,it will store in your mind and resurface.

You’re better off not listening.

Is not listening really healthy as key things may be said, things that needs to be addressed?? I don’t know. That’s why I took a break from this job in the very first place. I don’t have all the answers guys! LOL.

But the key thing is to not take everything personal when anger is involved. Just because I called you Big mouth when I was angry does not mean I walk around every day laughing at your big mouth in my head. Yes,your mouth is big but I love you in spite it,I’ll throw it in during quarrels cause I know it hurts your feelings a bit to hear that your mouth is big even though your mouth is really big and you know,but the aim of anger is to wreck, hurt and destroy. I know I should be mature enough to leave somethings out of quarrels but let me be,I have my 80’s to be mature.

Those of us that don’t understand why people get angry over certain things, please try not to invalidate people’s anger. My mom had every right to be angry,it might not have made much sense to me,but she wanted her sheets washed at a particular time,and I agreed to make that possible yet I did not,That can hurt.

I heard it somewhere,I think from Toke Makinwa, that you should learn to separate the bad acts from the person. Someone might do or say something that you do not like, it’s the act that is bad and hurtful,not necessarily the person,in building human relationships you’ll need to learn this cause in relationships,hurt is inevitable, that’s why a wise man said “Las Las na everybody go chop breakfast”. It’s unavoidable.

I hope this tip(s)/wisdom I have amassed over my years and sojourn on Earth helps you in your relationship and say a prayer for me Eh? That as I get older the oil on my head continues to overflow and I that I get wiser,Ise!!!...