CHRONICLES 🏄‍♂️

I twirl two fingers in front of my lips like I've got a stick btw them, but I haven't. I draw in smoke the way you would with a stick, and let it go after a while.

Maybe it's an illusion that it's the weed, the smoke that gets us high, What if it's not?

We just believe that, let loose, get high. 

I want to be high right now, just not on narcotics... how high can God's carbon get me? 

AdultHood.

Lovers are now strangers. 

Close friends are now - just friends 

Everyone is trying to figure life out, alone, neglecting the community we have in each other.

The more I grow the harder it gets 

But still, I want to be more adult than this. 

I'm up, It's 2 in the morning. 
I feel Tired. My eyes are turning on their own in their sockets. There's the churning in my belly and the bitterness I've gotten nearly accustomed to in my mouth; Reflux laryngitis. I'm holding in the liquids in my mouth. Hold on, I'll go spit it out now.

Thinking. I'm thinking lots of things...

Like what to write so I could go back to bed. Like how I wander in my head too fast, and that this wandering, is my blessing and curse. 

Of Him. He's drifting in and out of my mind, and It's only fair I think of other boys that have been good to me, other people that have captivated my heart, my world, even if it was for a short while and painted a possibility btw us, that of happiness, of Love, for what it is, that I too could see. ---It sounds more sophisticated than it is.

Still... Thank you, Lord. I woke up to write like I said I wanted to, but now I'm in a rush to go back to sleep, undeniably I hear your voice reminding me, again, "Time is an illusion. Nothing is running. Take your time and do what you have to do. Wholly. Not half-assed-ly". 

So now, I write.

I want to write, about the burden in my soul, The pain, That makes my head hurt physically, and?___

About Love. How Love melts into something else so fast. How people that...I don't know the word to use, people that use to be the entirety of memory, people that use to feature in every day of my life, every action of my life are now just -- "PAST".

 

Of how I struggle with the flip from the sweetness of my nostalgia to the abruptness of the present, the realization that "I CAN'T GO BACK THERE". And how my memory of the past is now a corrupted film, Distorted. No longer authentic. I can't trust what it's telling or triggering my heart to feel.

I want to write about how happy I have been.

About the state of happiness I've been in, how complex it's been.

Do you get the picture?

That I've realized myself to be happy in certain moments after wondering if I'll ever be happy again,

Like while singing along to a song I can no longer recall now I would stop halfway, in realization that I'm happy, Like while rhythm-less dancing.

I've caught myself smiling, being filled with joy few minutes after turning red from crying and blowing phlegm away from my nose.

Yes, there have been days when sadness, worry, and anxiety threatened to bust open every nerve in my head, body, and heart, but still,

I could always reach out to grasp happiness.

It was always close. It is always close. 

All I've had to do, is close my eyes, return home, to this body, and Voila, Happy!

It Isn't easy on some days, but on some days it is.

And I Thank you God for that.

Typical.  

It's typical me when in love, typical symptoms;

• I don't know how to talk about it

• Time goes by so fast, is never enough 

• Every other thing, person, is a distraction; Mum, eating, sleeping, talking to someone else...

• Not using protection, even when I know I should.

 LOL.

Editing.

Editing (which is) my love is all new and exciting. 

It fills me with fear, can carry i through? Will i carry through? E go last??

Editing takes all my attention, Video Editing.

Nothing else matters when I'm editing. I get lost in it.  Every other thing, every other person is a distraction; Mum, eating, sleeping, talking to someone else (outside the range of showing you my work and getting opinions about it).

I'm new to editing, so when, if, you see my work and say "it's just okay", I don't blame you, You don't know what you're saying, People can rarely tell extraordinary from ordinary at first. 

Yes, it's Category: Okay, for now! It will be so much more. 

You don't see it,  this passion, this ignition inside me. 

I spend hours creating, deleting, editing, retouching, trying out effects, trying out patterns, and  trying to figure out, "what is missing?" So now my eyes are aching.  I don't use protection, for my eyes! even when I know I should, one of my bad bad habits.

Typical right? that the things I love most always end up hurting me in some way, even if it's UNINTENTIONAL, then I'll need to break away from them, to protect myself. 

 

Struggles? Of course, I struggle.

I've struggled with the voice - Negative thoughts, that has asked me to "SHUT UP", repeatedly, "go back to bed, nobody cares" about the lot I'm writing,

but I read this portion of the Bible recently and (to paraphrase) it says; Say No to the Devil and he will scamper. 

So to every weary, self-loathing kind of thought that comes around,  I just "NO!" to it. 

I don't buy it, I don't entertain it, I don't sift through it.

Logically, you might want to argue "If you don't entertain it,  how do you know its content? That it's negative thoughts?"

Well, bitch, I just feel its energy...They don't come the same or even feel the same, so from its outline, I say NO to it and pass my way!

P.S: The little video above was made by yours truly!